Thursday, 21 June 2012

Topic 7. Optometry

Today was my very first day back at work since September 2011.


Now, I'm not adverse to a bit of whingeing about the trials and tribulations of a day spent in a tiny, dark room with a stream of complete strangers in close proximity. But today was great.

Preparation for work, hmmmm, not so great. It went a little like this...

SUNDAY 17th JUNE (Father's Day)
Internal monologue.
"Ahaaaa Mrs. Bee, I do believe you have a Day Of Work on the horizon, whatwhat?" (My internal monologue is a bit up herself; thinks she's a bit posh you see.)
"Correctamundo, my friend. I had better rescue the ole formal work gear from the back of the wardrobe, and dust off the carefully packaged and safely put-away eye-testing equipment ready for Wednesday."

What actually transpired was that I discovered that NOT ONE of my evil pre-pregnancy work dresses could have the decency to contain my enormous backside.

Depressed, I slumped off to console my fat self with a mahoosive Nandos for lunch - I mean, to celebrate Father's Day with my beloved Other Half and The Bairn (who, it turns out, has not inherited our penchant for hot peri peri sauce). Bought 2 tent-like frocks in the hope I could squeeze into them.


6.30am: The Bairn awakes, ready myself with rubber gloves and gas-mask to tackle daily assmaggeddon, make bottle, feed Bairn bottle.

7.10am: AAAAAARGH! I have approximately 35 minutes to get ready for work. Throw milk-drunk The Bairn at my Godsend of a mother who has travelled from Nearly England to babysit today.

7.25am: Realise that one new dress is TOO BIG! Have "yay! Boooooo! Yay! Sh*#e!" moment.

7.30am: Find old maternity type shirt that fits (depressing) whilst yelling
"The Other Half! Where is my Very Professional Eye Testing Stuff?"

8.00am: Admitted defeat. Mattress no longer on bed. Loft upside down. Cats cowering behind TV. It's all bliddy flippin well gone. 15 minutes late leaving for my first day back and praying under breath that there's something I can borrow in order to perform an eye test.

9.10am: Arrived at work following horrific midweek rush hour traffic. Patient patiently awaiting his red-faced, empty-handed, splutteringly apologetic optometrist.

2.45pm: Twitch slightly when the response to my question "which is better? Lens 1 or lens 2" meets the response "lens 5 dear." But remain cheerful!

5.00pm: Day done. Thank staff for a greatly enjoyable day (it actually really was!), one of whom proceeds to mention that I left ALL OF MY EYE TESTING STUFF IN THE OTHER ROOM prior to my beginning maternity leave.

6.15pm: Home! Met at the driveway by a smiling The Other Half, beaming The Bairn and the smell of Mum's mince and tatties cooking in the kitchen..... Bliss!


8.45pm: Remember to calmly explain to The Other Half that he had taken our lovely home apart searching for Optometry Stuff that was, at that time, 30 miles away, handily waiting for mygoodself to retrieve it.

THURSDAY 21st JUNE (continued)

I believe I am forgiven. Or he's forgotten all about it.
Realise what a wonderful chap I am lucky to be with.
Realise it is actually Thursday as I write this, and not Friday, therefore have an entire day to wait until we have our weekly Chinese takeaway.
Sad times.

Life is indeed a roller coaster, Mr. Keating, a roller coaster indeed.

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